i need a hug and six months of sleep
And you wake up every morning, feeling trapped inside of a shell. You’re not even sure what’s real….or at least important anymore. The emotions you feel, what are they really? Do you need them, do you HAVE to feel them…..and what happens if you just don’t? You turn it all off, you forget, you leave, you walk away from everything, everyone. In all reality, what does it change? No one is there to tell you whether you’re right or wrong for pursuing not to pursue.
This can’t be all, I can’t be stuck like this. I’m so alone, so so alone and no one to reach out to.
And in that moment when the day dies down and you’re there by yourself l, left alone with your thoughts. You turn the water as hot as you can stand, you replay all the moments in your head that your brain told you to. But then, it all stops. The waters rising hot temperature opens not just your pores but your emotions and every last thing that you’ve been holding onto, and for just once. You let it all just go. Your body isn’t about vanity, your heart doesn’t belong to anyone, but you are you. Nothing more and nothing less, every inch of your skin is yours; not touched by anyone else, you’re allowed to feel the pain that you’ve been feeling for yourself alone, you don’t hold it back to hold onto the strong image that you try so desperately to cling onto.
And the water is getting hotter, and you are sinking more and more into the familiarity of your own skin, phase by nothing in the secular world. You notice all your new bumps, bruises, marks, all of it…Not to judge it or wish for change, but to see it, just to see it so you know it.
Then there is your head, not drowned by thoughts of redundancy to maintain control of it, but there, your own creative, imaginative mind. You can ride the wave of thoughts that were previously hidden and stored away till the right time. And like an over indulgent child, you play among it. You inspect the daily passings that normally torture your mind and fine them nothing more than stuffed figments.
And there.
Just there.
It’s all you.
Then fades the temperature of the stream, and you rush to do the physical cleansing but nothing will compare the oust of thoughts.
The water cools, and you shrink yet again behind what can never be removed by any amount of heat or water,
and the shower ends.